Sunday, May 7, 2017

Let me tell you a Secret!!

I have a secret. It isn't pretty, but let me get it out. I have struggled with this secret for 3 years now, going on 4. My "big" secret is that I weigh 135 pounds. This isn't a dirty secret. And it shouldn't be. This isn't something I should be ashamed of, or made to feel awful about. But it's something I did used to be ashamed of, before I came to the realization that I am at a normal weight for my age. *COUGH COUGH* 30... The pressure on a mother to "get back to your pre-baby weight" is real, and it is rough. From all the shared blogs you see of all these "super" moms who lose all the baby weight right after the baby or babies are born, to the "inspiring" videos and Instagram posts of the mom on the treadmill while their newborn sleeps alone in their crib. There are a lot of factors in how someone carries their weight, especially after a pregnancy. Sometimes it's our genetic makeup, sometimes it's how we eat, and sometimes its just the way our hormones are saying we should be. 

 Weight is still the only thing on which it still seems to be universally okay to judge someone. It shouldn't be. But sometimes it feels like it's what makes or breaks you. I have found that it makes me. I made a human with my body and yes, I have some fat left over from the exhausting and painful process of creating my daughter. I've struggled with it, for a long time I would look at my body and I think "wow, all this fat..." When in fact it's something I should be rejoicing, and proud of, in that not only is my fat a part of me now, but it's a reflection of my joy of becoming a mother. Maybe I could lose the fat, true, but I will always have the stretch marks and skin to remind me of how precious my time was being with child. Ever since my daughter was born I have been so worried about how my body looks to everyone else that I stopped eating what I liked and stopped eating certain things all together. I felt that that if I didn't eat those things I would then in turn be smaller and be one superhero mother who loses weight fast. I can tell you that was a failed attempt. I didn't thrive, I lost a part of what I enjoyed. I love food. I love life. I have had a near death experience twice. Once when I was younger and the second when I developed a serious bacterial infection. It was a profound moment in my life. After that issue I had to put my life into perspective and decide how I wanted my life to be. I choose my daughter, and I choose this weight. This weight is me. This weight makes me who I am. I am a mother. A fighter. I didn't choose this weight, it chose me.

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